Bite Me, Part 2: What I have to say about Twilight

Friday, May 8, 2009

I’m not insulting Twilight or Stephenie Meyer’s literary genius here. I’m just pointing out my views on the books, and why it would have been so much better with zombies. And yes, there will be spoilers. Please read it all the way through before throwing things at me. I’m kinder near the end.

Stepford wives; they’re increasingly common.This really bothered me. You finally get a wildly successful series with a female protagonist, and it’s like reading a Jane Austen novel. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jane Austen novels; but this is over a hundred years on from then, and it doesn’t seem like women’s rights have gotten any further. Perpetuating the ideal that women (I wish I was a boy at this point, because I just sound like the bad kind of feminist, which I think may be a female chauvinist) are put on the earth for the sole purpose of popping out babies like a Pez dispenser, and that they can’t survive at all without a significant other. In New Moon, Bella’s life effectively stops when her sparkly vampire lover disappears. If I were her Student Welfare officer, I would be asking, “Is this a healthy relationship?” I didn’t mind at all that Bella didn’t do any fighting. She didn’t have any superhuman powers. Tough girl characters can be annoying if they aren’t written right. But couldn’t Bella have kept her chin up and moved on from Edward?

Sex before marriage is bad, but teen pregnancy is okay as long as you’ve got a ring on your finger. What is with that?

And then when Edward comes crawling back… (okay, he doesn’t crawl back, he stands in the sun and sparkles) Bella doesn’t slap him around like it’s an episode of Jerry Springer, like she should have. I actually saw quite a good episode of Jerry Springer the other night, and this man was telling this woman he loved her, and she was yelling at him, “But I don’t love you! You’re my cousin! It ain’t right.” Then she turns to the other guy, and says, “I love you. I want to marry you.” And the guy who isn’t her cousin, who she loves (she loves the one who isn’t the cousin, if you aren’t following), says to her “I’m not marrying you. I don’t want to marry someone like you. In my family, we don’t sleep with our kinfolk!” Now that would have been a good novel.

You need to re-educate yourself. Vampires do not sparkle in the sun. Vampire howl and wither away, like the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz does when she gets wet (though how she has a bath is beyond me. I wonder if moistened towelettes hurt her?). What I was trying to say before I began rambling, is that you need to read Dracula by Bram Stoker. You need to watch reruns of Buffy (Explain to your parents that this is necessary for your education. Watch Angel as well, if you have to). I suggest borrowing The Lost Boys from your local video shop (The original, not the sequel). Stephenie Meyer made up half of the vampire facts in Twilight. Vampires are not devilishly handsome. They are reanimated corpses. There are bits of skin peeling off them. They can only be killed with a stake through the heart. These. Are. The. Facts. You’re going to want to be educated in the coming apocalypse.

Tans rule. End of story.

Libraries shouldn’t buy it. I mean, it gets stolen within a week of getting a new copy. All they’re really doing is saving an unscrupulous fourteen-year-old girl twenty bucks

Cradlesnatching = not cool. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Now, Stephenie, I know you didn’t want to have to introduce another character for Jacob to fall in love with (because everybody has to have a true love. I mean, that’s what happens in the real world), but really, someone older than me falling in love with a newborn. This is causing me to overuse italics – and maybe even incorrectly placed ‘apostrophes’ in a minute, I’m getting kind of hysterical. Sure, you can love Renesme and love her creepy older werewolf betrothed, but I’m going to pass. I’ve got an episode of The Bold and The Beautiful to watch, and it’s less ridiculous.

And then they got married and had an evil abomination baby girl and lived happily ever after. That is not a conclusive ending. That is an ending which leaves me wondering; “Why did I waste three days of my life reading this gazillion page vampire love fest?” Couldn’t she have killed them all off? There’s still time! Breaking Dawn Part 2: Zombie Epidemic

Why did Bella have to have a baby? This was where it really lost me. You might be quite different, but I’m fifteen. I can’t relate to a character whose main goal in life is to have a baby to a vampire (who it seems she’s attracted to largely due to his pastiness) whilst still in her teens. Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon (I said Mormon not moron – I don’t believe she’s the latter at all). Thus explaining everything. In fact, I should be happy there was only one evil vampire-human abomination.

What did you like, Steph Bowe? I quite liked Alice. I didn’t mind the first book at all. I’m sure Stephenie Meyer is a lovely woman, and I envy her success. I’m just the type of girl who expects a bit more of a novel; and no, endless vampire sexual tension is not a bit more. Where were the real human emotions (yes, aware that half of the cast was vampiric or otherwise supernatural, but still)? Where was the part to make me actually like Edward? Where was the plot? To me, it felt like jazz music. Pretty and skilful, sure. But self-indulgent and drawn-out as well.

I’m probably just really critical of this because I don’t like romance novels. I’m also a critical person when I have no one to answer to. So tell me what you thought of Twilight. And please, hold your tomatoes and various blunt objects, I really do want to know what drew you to it, diehard Twilight fans (No, I will not say Twihard).

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