I don’t like Edward Cullen. And while I don’t know Robert Pattinson (he may be a lovely boy who helps elderly people cross the street, for all I know), I think I can safely say that he isn’t what millions of teenage girls make him out to be. Here are six people (and a cardboard cut-out of Dracula) that could have played Edward Cullen instead:
1. The guy who played Angel in Buffy, and who plays Booth in Bones now. Because everyone knows that’s who Stephenie Meyer based Edward on. Sexy, troubled vampire? Hello. It’s like a bad fan fiction. (Never mind his age. They made Brad Pitt look like a teenager in Benjamin Button.*)
2. Mos Def.
3. A cardboard cut-out of Dracula. It would have had more personality too. They just carry it around and have someone stand behind it and speak. Maybe Angus Sampson could be the voice?
4. Elijah Wood. Who cares that he’s almost thirty and very short? Frodo is awesome. Go The Hobbit!
5. My primary school P.E. teacher. He was on his P plates, and almost ran a kid over at school once. Everyone knew he was a vampire. Not a sparkly or melty kind though, because we did a lot of volleyball on the basketball court and he neither sparkled or melted. I think he had really high SPF sunscreen or something.
6. I, Steph Bowe. No one would have noticed I was a girl if I had Edward Cullen’s name attached to me. Naturally, the kissing scene would have been awkward.
7. Your mum
*I’m not entirely sure who ‘they’ are.