So, I've noticed this trend.
Some people seem to think I'm a fake because I always come across as being nice. Because I always seem to deliberately fence-sit. Because I always try not to offend people. My blog posts are never particularly controversial. And in this post, I'm going to try and explain why.
Beyond everything else, I want to be a kind person. I would far prefer being compassionate to being beautiful. I’d rather be kind than a genius. And I’d rather be respectful of other people than popular. I believe that I am a kind person most of the time, because I rarely feel the desire to be unkind to anyone (behind their back or through a blog or otherwise), and I believe in treating people the way you want to be treated.
Of course, though, as much as I feel otherwise, I am human. I do slip up every now and then. I’ll say something the wrong way and accidentally insult somebody. I’ll be uncomfortable in a social situation and say something unkind about somebody because I don’t know how to avoid it. I’ll feel nasty feelings towards someone who’s mean to me or someone I love.
I agonise about this stuff afterwards. I spend a lot of time worrying that I’m not a good person, or that I made somebody feel bad, or that by going against how I really feel about stuff in order to fit in, I’ve done something totally unforgiveable.
But the internet – oh, it’s all about controversy. The biggest bitches (Perez Hilton, for example) are the people who get the most hits, the ones who are the most popular. Everybody loves to see someone – especially someone who is famous, or popular, or acting high-and-mighty – ripped apart. I don’t. It’s okay that you do. I think it must be some evolutionary thing and the part that causes it is missing from my brain.
But everybody loves a fight. And when I say stuff that’s too polite, when I put my views on something across in a very tactful, respectful way, everybody thinks that I’m being a fraud. Because I must secretly be a bitch, because I’m a teenage girl. Because I’m a human being.
Really, guys, I’m not. You can accuse me of having a lot of negative traits – shy, withdrawn, afraid, awkward, boring – and I’d agree with you. But I’m not a bitch. I’m not passive aggressive, either. I’m passive-passive to the power of twelve million. When I write posts on this blog presenting my views on something, disagreeing with somebody, it’s not because I don’t like them – it’s because I have differing opinions. I want debate, I don’t want to tear anybody down. Everything I write, I try and write with tact and respect for the other person’s views. This is because that’s what I’m like in real life, too. It’s just who I am.
I don’t like fighting, I don’t like confrontation, I don’t see the need to be horrible to anyone. I like everyone I meet by default, I try and regard everyone as an individual, respect their views. I think everyone is fascinating and unique and entitled to their beliefs (unless it’s like murdering people or something).
I find that the older I get the more people try to beat the qualities I value most – kindness, compassion – out of me. People remind me that if I’m ever going to function in this world, I need to toughen up. I need to stop being so sensitive and so nice all the time. But I disagree. I have trouble with life, like everybody. But being nasty isn’t going to make it any easier. I think kindness is way too undervalued in this world. It’s okay if you’re a person who craves drama, fair enough, but I just want peace. I don’t want to be selfish or mean, I want to empathise with other people.
And I’m not saying you have to be like this too, because you don’t. Your brain is probably wired differently from mine. You’re an individual. All I’m asking is that you don’t accuse my opinion of being worth less than yours or someone else’s because I’m not controversial and I don’t offend anybody. All I’m asking is that you don’t call me a fake when all I do is be myself. (I can’t help that myself is just boring old nice.)
So, the internet is clearly not the place for me. By extension, this world is not the place for me, but I’m kind of stuck here. Life. I have difficulty with it.
(Note that I’m not directing this at anyone in particular here – the last thing I want to do is offend you. Also, I guess this might come across as passive-aggressive. Not my intention at all. I think I should probably walk around with a disclaimer tattooed to my forehead ‘I’m really just trying to be a nice person. I have no ulterior motives. I don’t mean to offend you.’ I anticipate everyone arguing with me in the comments, and saying that I’m a nutcase who will never survive in this world, so please just be tactful. That would be lovely.)