Dialogue I would be pleased to never read in a work of fiction ever again

Friday, January 11, 2013

  1. “But that’s just a myth right? Surely it couldn’t be real?” And then two lines later whoever spoke these lines has fully accepted the existence of angels/vampires/chupacabra. This is an idiotic line because it appears in every paranormal novel ever and no one would actually say it. Someone tells you supernatural creatures are real, you don’t ask them in an uncertain voice whether they are being legit. You yell that they are crazy and you run away. Or you at least tell them it’s a myth with a bit of conviction, I mean, really.
  2. The all-knowing minor character who says “You know he/she loves you, right?” to Entirely Clueless Yet Devilishly Attractive protagonist. This also comes up in romantic comedies at around the forty-five minute mark. The problem I have with this is how could they know? Do people say this in the real world? Do we all have secret spidey-senses that allow us to figure out who’s hot for whom and I’m just not tapped into it? I feel that characters should only be able to inform other characters who they’re loved by if a) they are directly told by the unrequited lover, or b) they are Edward Cullen. Then again I don’t think Edward Cullen should either. There’s just too many casual observers able to figure out other people’s feelings. A bit unbelievable.
  3. “I don’t trust you.” “You shouldn’t.” This causes me to throw the novel across the room. 92% of all paranormal romance novels contain these words. It’s always Vulnerable Teenage Girl speaking to Powerful Supernatural Guy (who’s secretly an oldie but still looks young and hot. How is that even okay?).  There’s just a lot of poor decision making generally when it comes to supernatural romances. I could write a book of advice for the lady protagonists of paranormal romance novels. Never go to a second location with a stranger, no matter how attractive they are! Preferably have age-appropriate romances with other mortals! Don’t move to dreary regional towns in America! Eat plenty of garlic!

If there are any terrible, recurring lines of dialogue you’d like to see banished from literature, feel free to share. (I will likely hate them too. Sorry. Strongly dislike.)
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