I have a terrible, terrible problem. Having never actually
been an undercover cop it feels like a lie to tell you that it feels like being
an undercover cop in my own life. Obviously nowhere near as high stress. But
it's a problem.
I have a real issue telling people I'm a writer. It's very
odd. I write. I write quite a lot. I'm working on another novel. I have two
published already. I'm definitely a writer. Right?
And yet, people ask me what I do, unless I am at some sort of
writer-thing where people already known I'm a writer, I say: "I'm a...
student." Occasionally, after telling them about what I'm studying,
they'll ask if I work. And I'll say: "No." And then, several seconds
later, I'll mumble, "I... write. A bit."
I'm an author! I've been writing professionally for almost
five years! Why do I do this?
I feel really fraudulent. I feel fraudulent when I don't tell
people I'm a writer, because it's such a huge part of my identity.
I'm a writer, but I'm a writer who feels really inadequate.
I'm not a bestseller. My books have won no awards. I don't write in a genre the
majority of people regard as 'real'. And the next question, whenever you tell
someone you're a writer, is "How much money do you make?"
People don't get it. People think it's all about making lots
of money and winning awards and showing everyone how great you are. Maybe on
some level I'd like those things - I have always dreamt of owning a house and
of course I'd love to continue writing and being published - but I don't think
these are the keys to a satisfying life.
So: I'm Steph Bowe. I'm a writer. I'm not glamorous. I'm not
rich. You've probably not heard of me (oh, I mean, you have, of course).
People enjoy the words I write, and that's nice. I would write even if I
couldn't make any money out of it. It's who I am rather than what I do. I love
writing. I love books. I don't so much love the business of being a writer, or
worrying about book sales, or promotion, or trying to sound impressive when
people ask me what I do. I get tired of trying to prove myself.
It's a bit too long a spiel for when people ask what I do,
isn't it? Maybe get 'writer, not rich, not award-winner, sensitive weirdo'
tattooed on my forehead and be done with it.
