I'm going to get this novel done if it kills me. Preferably, it'll kill me soon.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I don't have very much faith in my writing.

Every time I log in to Blogger and write a post, I think, damn, this blog is no good. On an almost weekly basis I'll go to that page where 'delete blog' is an option and I'll hover the cursor over it for ten minutes and think "It's just a blog. Nobody cares about it anyway."

That's not the bad bit.

Every time I write a chapter of my novel - spend an entire afternoon writing and rewriting and thinking, hey, this is okay. Then I'll stop, and I'll read it, and I'll think, fug, I'm an atrocious writer. I need to give up now and go into accounting.

For me, it's 90% self-doubt that keeps me going. 10% inspiration. It's 90% I-have-to-prove-myself-wrong, I-will-amount-to-something.

Sometimes, the self doubt becomes overwhelming and I'll get rid of whatever I was working on. I'll delete it or shred it or rip it up and burn it. I've lost thousands of words this way. I've written three novels, and I've locked the files and backed up the files on my computer so that I can't delete them all in a sudden flurry of you're-shit-Steph-give-up-stop-wasting-everyone's-time.

I've lost so many beginnings I've written this way.

But you know what? I'm done with deleting my stories and chapters. I'm done with thinking this is atrocious. I'm going to give this a chance. I'm going to write the whole entire damn thing. It will be finished. I'm going to try and write a novel before the holidays end.

I also have some exciting news. Scary exciting. But I still think the rug is about to be pulled out from under me so I must keep it a secret.

I will tell you as soon as I possibly can.
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