I don't have very much faith in my writing.
Every time I log in to Blogger and write a post, I think, damn, this blog is no good. On an almost weekly basis I'll go to that page where 'delete blog' is an option and I'll hover the cursor over it for ten minutes and think "It's just a blog. Nobody cares about it anyway."
That's not the bad bit.
Every time I write a chapter of my novel - spend an entire afternoon writing and rewriting and thinking, hey, this is okay. Then I'll stop, and I'll read it, and I'll think, fug, I'm an atrocious writer. I need to give up now and go into accounting.
For me, it's 90% self-doubt that keeps me going. 10% inspiration. It's 90% I-have-to-prove-myself-wrong, I-will-amount-to-something.
Sometimes, the self doubt becomes overwhelming and I'll get rid of whatever I was working on. I'll delete it or shred it or rip it up and burn it. I've lost thousands of words this way. I've written three novels, and I've locked the files and backed up the files on my computer so that I can't delete them all in a sudden flurry of you're-shit-Steph-give-up-stop-wasting-everyone's-time.
I've lost so many beginnings I've written this way.
But you know what? I'm done with deleting my stories and chapters. I'm done with thinking this is atrocious. I'm going to give this a chance. I'm going to write the whole entire damn thing. It will be finished. I'm going to try and write a novel before the holidays end.
I also have some exciting news. Scary exciting. But I still think the rug is about to be pulled out from under me so I must keep it a secret.
I will tell you as soon as I possibly can.
18 notes passed:
You rock, Steph. Thank goodness you've built in a fail-safe so you can't do the equivalent of tossing your manuscript onto the fire. Stephen King tossed his first novel, CARRIE, into the trash - but fortunately his wife retrieved it, and their life changed forever.
I am looking at my manuscript now and thinking Why on earth did a publisher actually buy this? - so guess what, the feeling never goes away!
Can't wait to see the new novel, as I loved beta reading the last one.
No more self doubt!! You have over 200 people who read your blog on a daily basis and you have some really exciting news (that I'm just dying to hear all about), so keep your twitchy little finger away from the delete key.
Did I mention that I can get bossy? Um...yeah, I'm super bossy, but only when it's important.
Oh my gosh, what writer doesn't go through periods of self doubt like that? I think any writer who doesn't question themselves repeatedly probably aren't hitting their potential.
And can't wait to hear the big news. Does it have something to do with a CALL? :)
I understand what you mean. I wrote a chapter last week - reread and thought, "this is total crap!" I didn't erase it though and I didn't go back and try to fix it. I'm trying to finish my rough draft and then I'll worry about fixing it. I know that I sound like I moved on and just kept writing, but the truth is I haven't written a thing on it since last Tuesday because my self doubt was so paralyzing. I'm ready to start again today. I'm not going to read the last one - I'm just going to press forward and not look back. Wish me luck on sticking to this plan. Good luck to you.
I write too and I can completely 100% relate to this, especially the self-doubt. So many times I'll stop writing, read what I have written and get frustrated because I don't think it's good enough. Then I'll feel crappy and not write altogether.
Sometimes when I'm working on something and I'm not so happy with the outcome, I'll walk away from the project for a while and then come back a few hours later, or even a day later and view the project with new eyes.
Also, as you write, try not to re-read what you've already written. Just keep going and then evaluate your writing later once you've finished. That way, you won't be overly critical and stop writing halfway through or maybe stop altogether for quite some time.
Good luck! I hope you accomplish what you're after. You can do it! =)
Awww Steph, every writer feels this way a lot more often than you can imagine but you have to keep going! I believe in you. Trust me, you will get there, I have no doubt in my mind, you're an excellent blogger and that means already that you have writing talent. Just keep going and don't you dare delete this blog!!! I love it too much.
I used to be that way too, everything I wrote was a disaster! (Or so I thought) But I'm finally giving myself a chance and just letting the words fly, and it's amazing how it all falls together when you let it be. Keep writing and good luck!
Here's the deal: you're still a teenager in school and you're not only writing a fantastic, successful blog, but you're also writing novels--complete novels, plural--which is no easy feat. You're uber-talented and wonderful, but if you want the truth, yes there's a chance your novels suck. There's ALWAYS that chance. But I doubt it. I doubt it very much. And every time you write you're going to get better because you won't be making the same mistakes. And every time you read, you learn from that too!
One last plea for you not to delete anything further. Put it aside, even ignore it for months or years, but when you feel like it, take it out and reread it -- you may find one little piece that's complete greatness, and you can start from there!
I've deleted a few blogs for similar reasons. I think anyone who writes (whether it's novels, poetry, or blogs) feels their stuff is crap from time to time.
That's the spirit! You can do it. And, good luck!
I'm glad you're done with deleting. Choose life! Take a risk! Be positive!
Welcome to my world. A couple of tips.
Aim low. If you aim to write like Laurie Halse Anderson, you're going to fail. Bad. Aim to write better than an author whom you think is shit. (must . . . resist . . . recommendation . . T . . .) If you aim low, and aim to write better than someone you *know* you can write better than, then you'll succeed. And every time you do it, aim a little higher. It'll build your confidence. But aiming too high right from the beginning will make you faceplant like whoa. So go curl up with a bad good and go "ahhhhhhhh, I know my shit isn't *this* bad."
And two, stop editing as you write. Allow yourself to write complete crap. It's a first draft. Who's going to see it? The real writing comes during the editing process. But you have to allow yourself to write the bad stuff in order to get to the good stuff. That's where a lot of the fabled "writer's block" comes from: people not wanting to let themselves write shit from the beginning so they block themselves because everything must be perfect right from the get-go. Stop. Write trash. Write shit. Then spend 6 months editing the damn thing. The manuscript I'm working on, the one whose first page I sent here, I've been editing since . . . the spring, I think? I'm on the third full round edit. How many months has that been? I wrote the damn thing in 32 days. Accept the fact that you're going to write shit and vow to edit it to gold.
UM. HELLO? Yours is the blog I go to for consistently well-written, wonderful, funny, eclectic, AMAZING posts. Seriously. We, your readers, have no doubt that you are a good writer. Just so you know. :) Now go finish that awesome novel. I KNOW it's awesome.
Donna, seriously good advice! Self-trickery, I love it.
Steph, I'm simply BURSTING with excitement for you! All will be well! All will be frigging fantastic, actually.
Good for you, go for it and don't look back (really, at least not until you are done). One of my favorite quotes about first drafts was told to me thusly:
A first draft is like throwing up. You feel a whole lot better afterward and you can clean up any mess you made in the first place. :D
Just get it out of your system. ;) It's an awesome feeling.
Well Steph. Give it a try! Thats good, maybye you will be a good writer. And hey! Check my blog at:
AlanRackStory.blogspot.com
Steph,
You have a gift & you will definitely share it w/ the world.
You are sharing your writing nuggets via your blog & it is really good stuff!!!
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