Why romantic relationships are stupid and you should become a celibate

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Now, today I was reading a blog, and I read this post. It's a good blog (advice for teenagers and the like), but this post made me snort the rasberry lemonade I was drinking at the time out my nose.

After I cleaned up the lemonade off the keyboard and checked all the keys were still functional, I decided to write a blog post. A blog post that'll probably make you feel uncomfortable and possibly disown me.

If clicking through links is against your religion or something, that blog post was titled 'How can I get girls to notice me?' In case you're wondering, the answer was humour. I was thinking 'sparkles' but hey, obviously that's not going to work for everyone (especially if you don't have a chest carved out of marble, and of a similar temperature, consistency and colour).

Please be aware that this isn't anything against that blog or blogger, just something that popped into my head as I read. As I said, it's a good blog.

Here, I impart some advice for teenagers of both genders (as well as hermaphrodites like Caster Semenya, who I think is awesome, personally) on how to attract people of your sexual preference. All based off my own experience:

1. If you aren't really gay, don't tell boys who ask you out who you don't like that you are. Somehow it'll get back to a lesbian and she'll ask you out because teenage lesbians are kind of an endangered species (and as a rule, a lot of lesbians kind of detest those flip-flopping bisexuals) and hello, I - uh, you - are really attractive to dykes.

2. Take what you can get! This is high school, kids. You can't be .picky. It's not particularly about serious relationships at this point. It's about getting what you can and boasting about it. Or spying on people getting what they can so that you're reasonably informed about this whole second-base thing and can boast realistically.

3. Don't invent fake summer romances. You will tell someone, about like this amazing boy who's, like, amazing, and they will snort and say, "Yeah, Steph, like you hooked up with some hot guy in Queensland. You're a complete prude."*

4. Get drunk and/or high. Teenaged parties + intoxicants = definitely doing someone you'll regret. Um, something. I meant something.**

I'm serious about this one, though:
5. Really, don't worry about it. People mature at different rates. If you aren't engaging in oral sex by the time you're sixteen, believe me, you're not a freak and you're not alone, either. Respect yourself, and concern yourself with other fun stuff you can do (writing novels, blogging, helping the elderly cross the street, etcetera). everything will happen in time, and no one person is going to make you magically happy and fulfilled (unless they're Edward Cullen. In which case, if you are dating Edward Cullen, let me know and I'll come to your place during the day and stake him while he sleeps. Not that he sleeps in Twilight, but what does Stephenie Meyer know about vampires?).

6. Don't look for advice on attracting romance. People are different. Be yourself. You can read all you want on trying to impress people by being confident, acting happy, telling jokes - but seriously, do that stuff for yourself. Nobody cares if you're a virgin at forty, really, so long as you're happy. You don't need to rush into things because it's what's expected.

*I am a complete prude, but that's not the point.
**My jokes are terrible. I apologise.
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